Sunday, January 1, 2017

Resolution 2017

Does anyone still do these? In any case, let me put down mine for this year.

It is, to be the center of the universe.

Yes! 2017 will be the year when I will be the center of the universe. For me.

I will invest more in me.

I will give more to my happiness.

I will do more of what I want.

I will show me more love.

I will let me be.

I will go easy on me.

I will go tough on me.

Love what i love.

Hate what i hate.

Be me.

Be unapologetic.

Just love, Me.

Moment of clarity

This post was written just a couple of months ago, and i guess it deserves to see the light of the day.

How many articles filed under the 'Life Lessons' tag do you have to go through before you see enlightenment? The answer of course, is not an absolute, it conveniently comes within the category of "depends". “Depends” on the writer, obviously; because she's the one who ought to have something wise to say, a novel way of saying it, to build a convincing foreword that necessitates dishing out the life lessons in bullet points, establish credibility, make it interesting enough to hold interest, and other such concerns. On the reader as well, because well, more than anything I've got to be in the right frame of mind to receive the enlightenment. But something more is needed; a connect, a matching wavelength, a common experience maybe, probably familiarity. Sometimes I read a whole lengthy article; (and they all are long, like really really long) and come out of it drained, because I got nothing off it. Just didn't connect. But then I get drawn into reading another of the same category quite easily. I love having conversations with myself, and/or anyone willing; about why we do/be/feel the way we do, about the hows and whys of a feeling. These conversations when not directed inwards, are best had with people who affirm to your thoughts, but it’s not every day that you can meet your soul mate of a friend for a leisurely coffee and talk for hours and soak in their aura, feel the euphoria of being understood. So, I read these articles, I get sucked into it without much allure, just a hint of a promise. Only sometimes do I come across one that clears the cloud off my mind and makes me see reason for the things that I do. Things that I did just because they felt right, unknowing of anything more beneath that feeling. Like, I’ve often stood at the balcony of my house, looking at the community bustling with activity, and wondered about what I see. What I see more than anything else, is parents having a great time with their kids, doing exactly what the kids enjoy, not what they themselves would choose to do on any day if they had to choose. But they all seem happy doing this. Either they're actually happy and enjoy this, or they're pretending to. Maybe it's a conditioning of the brain, they've trained themselves to believe that this is fun. What makes it such an enticing option, to have kids? Why do we all go down this same path, a lot of us, more than once? And let’s leave out the huge subset of people who never had the option of saying no, or to even imagine that NOT having kids is a possibility too. Let’s talk about those of us who were in the privileged position of having the option to choose for ourselves. Yet we did, hordes of us, a great percentage of us made a conscious decision to go down this path. Even if, what tilted the decision in favor, was a mere feeling. Why do we feel what we feel? What is it about parenting that draws people to it? What lies at the core of that parental satisfaction that’s talked about? And there it was in one such listicle, a simple truth experienced by one person, that seemed to put to rest, so many of my questions. One of the points in that article was that in the process of raising someone, the raiser often grows more than the raisee. Now isn't that such an amazingly simple truth! A smooth sea never made a great mariner; so we go seeking.

Nothingness!

This post was lying in my drafts since more than a year, and i can exactly remember how i felt then. I think it's time i let it go out into the world!

You know what i want to write about? How would you, when i don’t either. When i can’t think even one thought to completion. When i spent a few happy hours yesterday, for the sole reason, that in that moment of clarity i actually found one convincing argument for the way i’m feeling. It only lasted a couple of hours, until i was removed from the bubble that i spend my time in at work. Can you believe it, that this achingly depressing place is where i feel relaxed. Well, as relaxed as i allow myself to get. I don’t know anybody here, yea a couple of people to a small extent maybe. But that only means that i know them to the extent of reasoning out why i don’t like them. The others, i talk to them, i smile, i walk around the floor giving some instructions here and there, asking some questions sometimes, i’m relaxed all the while i’m doing this. I’m also relaxed while i’m reading the book that i’m reading. I miss the previous book that i was reading, it was my sanctuary! It felt like a huge void when i turned the last page on that one. Anyway, i’ve moved on to the next one, which is equally gripping and sleep-inducing in parts. But coming to the bigger point here, of what i want to talk about. How do i snap out of this state. I can understand that there are days when one would feel all down and out, but this is happening all too often. And the stretches seem to be getting longer and longer. You know how many things are missing in my life? No, i don’t want to list them. Because i’m afraid that the list would turn out so long that it would send me down another spiral. Am i avoiding the problem? Let me tackle it one by one, the first item that comes to mind, fix that. When that is fixed, or atleast on the way to mending, then think of the next problem. You think that works? I’ve tried it and it hasn’t worked till now, because the first problem that comes to mind is invariably one that is considerably large. And if it is a large problem, it needs a proportionately large number of days to be fixed. And while it starts off well, along comes another of those bad spells. There goes the effort down to the dumps, and adding another reason to be right where i am. What i need to do is come up with a small problem and fix that. Yea, that’s what i need to do. Find a small problem. But you know the truth is that all my problems are rather small!