Sunday, January 1, 2017

Nothingness!

This post was lying in my drafts since more than a year, and i can exactly remember how i felt then. I think it's time i let it go out into the world!

You know what i want to write about? How would you, when i don’t either. When i can’t think even one thought to completion. When i spent a few happy hours yesterday, for the sole reason, that in that moment of clarity i actually found one convincing argument for the way i’m feeling. It only lasted a couple of hours, until i was removed from the bubble that i spend my time in at work. Can you believe it, that this achingly depressing place is where i feel relaxed. Well, as relaxed as i allow myself to get. I don’t know anybody here, yea a couple of people to a small extent maybe. But that only means that i know them to the extent of reasoning out why i don’t like them. The others, i talk to them, i smile, i walk around the floor giving some instructions here and there, asking some questions sometimes, i’m relaxed all the while i’m doing this. I’m also relaxed while i’m reading the book that i’m reading. I miss the previous book that i was reading, it was my sanctuary! It felt like a huge void when i turned the last page on that one. Anyway, i’ve moved on to the next one, which is equally gripping and sleep-inducing in parts. But coming to the bigger point here, of what i want to talk about. How do i snap out of this state. I can understand that there are days when one would feel all down and out, but this is happening all too often. And the stretches seem to be getting longer and longer. You know how many things are missing in my life? No, i don’t want to list them. Because i’m afraid that the list would turn out so long that it would send me down another spiral. Am i avoiding the problem? Let me tackle it one by one, the first item that comes to mind, fix that. When that is fixed, or atleast on the way to mending, then think of the next problem. You think that works? I’ve tried it and it hasn’t worked till now, because the first problem that comes to mind is invariably one that is considerably large. And if it is a large problem, it needs a proportionately large number of days to be fixed. And while it starts off well, along comes another of those bad spells. There goes the effort down to the dumps, and adding another reason to be right where i am. What i need to do is come up with a small problem and fix that. Yea, that’s what i need to do. Find a small problem. But you know the truth is that all my problems are rather small! 

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